Hurt Inside
by Gemini Star
Summary: Meilin's deeply hurt by Syaoran's affection for Sakura, and so she keeps it bottled up for eight years.


**Hurt Inside**

'Run, run!' I urged myself, as I jogged smoothly across a bridge. As I did so, I happened to look down into the waters, lit by the crescent moon that hung above the thin wisps of clouds. I saw myself, long hair almost to her knees, tied up into the Chinese traditional way, light brown eyes shining in the light of the moon. "Hurry up, girl!" I commanded myself, and as a response, ran faster. 

After that disastrous and humiliating incident with her and the marathon, I had taken up running every night. And yes, I had improved drastically, and my running skills are comparable to hers. But I will never beat her in running and stamina. I will never beat him either. He's always one step ahead of me; and she, two. I'm the one tagging along, irritating everyone, digging everybody into a deeper hole. Those incidents with the Clow Cards - name any one of them and you can see, with stunning clarity, that I'm the annoying person out of the group. 

As I rounded a corner, a lock of sweaty hair whipped into my face. The sweat stung my eyes. It stung just like I was stinging inside. I closed my eyes, just let the lashes fall upon my cheeks. I stood there, alone on the path, a heaving figure, eyes closed, fists clutched. How ironic. This scene was my life. I am always alone. Never was anyone with me, neither had they been there for me. Maybe only him, yes, but is he really there for me? No one in the Li Clan ever cared about me. Once they realized that the magic of Clow wasn't in me, I was treated like so much rubbish. 

I willed myself not to cry, fighting the tears, hurt, and pain inside, masking it with fake cheer. I had sworn on that fateful night when he told me that he loved her never to shed a tear for him ever again. Why should I? And yet there I was, crying out inside. It took all my inner strength and control just to hold back the scream, the shriek of emotions that was threatening to rip through me and into the starry night sky. 

The wind came now, howling like a wolf on the prowl. It was cold, so cold. But I know that he'll never hold me in his arms and keep me warm there. Of course he wouldn't. 

I won't cry. I reminded myself of the promise I made so many years ago to Tomoyo, and finally I opened my eyes, my spiky lashes reminding me of my tightly controlled tears. Yet as I resumed my running, something inside me was still fighting to get out. Perhaps I did still love him, after all. Yes, I admit it. He broke my heart ... yet I still loved him. It wasn't a nice feeling, not when it's one-sided. It's been a feeling I've been harboring for - oh, so many years, right until college. 

We attended college together. 

No fun. Not when I'm walking down the same halls as him, joke and laugh with him - and even her! - attend the same lessons as the two of them ... God, of course it's no fun! Did you expect me to say that it was fun?! I don't hate her. Really, I don't. She's nice and innocent and kind and gentle - so many things I'm not. She's also my best friend - one of my best friends, along with Tomoyo. 

Tomoyo has always advised me, right from that day, to treat him as a friend and nothing else. What a fool I was not to take her advice. I had always hoped that he would come back to me, see that she wasn't that perfect; no one's perfect! 

But yet, it seemed that she was. 

The rain finally came, unleashing the storm's anger upon me. The torrent of icy-cold water pelted against my face. It was a double-edged sword, washing away my sweat, yet drenching my hair and clothes. But now, I welcomed the better part, feeling it refresh my body. The rain seemed so wild and - and uncontained, so free, that I simply felt a rush of urge tearing through me, giving me the burning desire to tear through the nearby woods and never go back to school. Yet as the rain slowed to a drizzle, I knew that that was impossible. 

What a short storm. 

I trudged back to campus, dreading the time when I had to either meet her or him. As I pushed open the front doors, going through, I caught sight of her, sliding noiselessly towards me like a ghost. Like a very beautiful ghost. I saw the reason why he was so taken with her. How could I ever hoped to compare with her beauty? Golden-brown bangs that tumbled down her back in a style identical to her late mother's. I nearly let out a bark of laughter. Her mother was a model. My mother is a seamstress. The difference was obvious. I compared that sheet of gorgeous, flowing hair to my limp, wet black hair. Those sparkling green eyes that could be compared to the color of emeralds. Those rosy lips, full and soft. 

No one on campus could compare to her beauty. She had dozens of boys groveling at her feet, yet only had the eyes for him. As soon as I saw her, all I wanted to do was dig a hole and disappear inside. But she caught sight of me, those intelligent eyes flashing in my direction, and immediately she came over. 

"Meilin?" she asked in that musical tone of hers. "What's wrong?" I pulled myself from my thoughts and forced a smile on my face. "Nothing. Thanks for your concern ... " I heard my voice trail off, fading into the darkness. I plastered a fresh smile upon my face and kept my lips turned up. "So," I started, trying to divert her attention. "Where are you going so late?" 

"I'm heading back to my room - " she paused, before letting out a yawn. Demurely, she concealed it behind her hand. "I'm sorry, Meilin. I was studying in the library. What about you?" 

"I went running, as usual." 

"Cool. Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then, Meilin. Good night!" and with a wave, she was gone. 

I smiled sadly, this time a genuine sad smile. I knew that he would never be mine - wait, he was never mine to start with. He was hers. Syaoran was Sakura's, and nothing could ever change that. Their friendship had blossomed into a relationship. I had to accept that fact. 

I turned back to the direction of my room, determined anew to remember Syaoran only as a friend. 

**Author's Notes**

I've always wondered what Meilin thought of Sakura and Syaoran. Maybe her true feelings are like the ones written above. Maybe she just keeps her confessions bottled up inside. Who knows? 

This is a short fic regarding of what I think of Meilin's thoughts inwardly as she puts up an outward appearance. Wondering about her thoughts, I simply converted them into a fanfic - the one you have just read. 

Comments anyone? REVIEW! I REFUSE TO WRITE ANOTHER ROMANCE FIC UNLESS I GET AT LEAST FIVE REVIEWS!! 

Not that it would make any difference. -_-;; LOL 


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